A True Wizarding Name
by Steve2
Summary: Wherein a certain red-headed wizard gets the name, power and the recognition that comes with it denoting his status as a wizard. Crack-fic.


A True Wizarding Name

Wherein a certain red-headed wizard gets the name, power and the recognition that comes with it denoting his status as a wizard

By Steve2

You all know the drill. I don't own the characters and this is purely for fun, no profit intended. This is just a little crack-fic that came to me. Hope you enjoy it.

 **-o0o-**

November 1994 sucked. It was Harry's 4th year. No Quidditch. Just a lousy Tri-now-Quad-Wizard-Tournament. Bloody hyphens. As usual, he was being put on display after his ruddy name came out of the blasted Cup. The oh-so-infallible-cup his headmaster had assured the student body couldn't be fooled. Yet here Harry was, entered into a contest he didn't want to be in. Just… bloody… fantastic. These kinds of things only seemed to happen to him. Never anyone else. Like Dean. Or Seamus. Yeah, especially Seamus. Harry idly wondered if this kind of crap would happen to him if he were actually Irish when he met his next headache.

That headache was aptly named, Ron Weasley. Former friend. Now current wanker-in-waiting. See? More bloody hyphens.

"Ron," Harry said upon seeing his friend. "I didn't put my name in the Goblet. You've got to believe me."

"Yeah. Right," the ginger-4th year answered with a snort. He then turned around and got away from Potter so he could continue his righteous shunning of his former-best-friend.

Harry was many things. To the wizarding world he was a hero and a scapegoat depending on the flavor of the day. To the Dursley's he was a waste of skin, a waste of time, and a waste of money. To his teachers he was an average student and not exceptionally bright like his parents were.

But Harry knew what he was. He was a survivor. He had to be to survive everything he went through. Maybe he was average in class, and maybe he wasn't. But more than anything he was smart. He observed much more than anyone gave him credit for.

Harry recognized what Ron was doing. Bloody pillock.

Harry stood in the hall for a few more seconds as Ron stormed away, his nose still up in the air. "Wanker," he ground out after his retreating former-friend, then spun about himself and went in the opposite direction.

Now Harry wasn't the only one in school with intentional sub-par grades. Current 6th-years Fred and George Weasley also observed much more than they let on. They had observed the interaction of their younger brother with their raven-haired close-as-as-brother and did not like what they saw.

Once the two younger kids were out of earshot, George leaned out of the alcove they were in. "This is not looking good, brother of mine," he watched Ron turn a corner.

"Too true, George," Fred watched Harry start up some stairs. "Harry is depressed when he should feel fantastic."

"Right you are. Our younger brother is not helping here."

"You know what we need here?"

"Yes. A cunning plan."

"Right-o, my red-headed twin. We need a cunning plan."

"Which we just happen to have here," the other twin responded, pulling out a scroll with the label 'A Cunning Plan – Use Sparingly' on it.

 **-o0o-**

"Oy, Harry," Fred muttered quietly as Harry (still walking alone much later that day) passed by what he thought was an empty classroom.

Harry turned, saw Fred (or George – he was never sure) motioning to enter the classroom. "Oh, hey guys," Harry returned while going to the classroom. George (or Fred) closed the door behind him.

"Listen, Harry," one of the twins started, "we've been watching what has been happening all day. Lots of name calling, others snipping at your character, people showing their fickleness and more of that kind of rot. It's just not right, Harry."

Harry gave a slight smile even as his eyes dropped a little. "Thanks for at least noticing guys. But what can I do? I've just got to ride it out like last time."

"Not entirely, Harry-me-lad. We've got a plan…"

"A cunning plan!"

"Yes, a cunning plan to help you out. See, we'll start on it in the morning when…"

 **-o0o-**

That evening, Harry went to his room and noticed Ron's bed was already occupied with the curtains drawn. Harry had no thoughts that Ron wasn't in that bed. He could smell it. Dinner had consisted of enough fatty foods to ensure that Ron's regular tooting was still going strong. Whew.

Drawing his own curtains, Harry cast an air freshening charm and went to sleep. Hours later Harry woke up and noticed something unexpected. Ron was not only awake, but had already gone downstairs. Again, Harry could smell the time he'd left. It had been 12 minutes earlier.

Harry quickly cleaned himself, dressed and went downstairs. Not seeing even Hermione in the common room, Harry shook his head sadly and headed out the portrait. He made his way down this corridor and then up that staircase and again down yet another corridor. Finally, he stopped at a classroom door and rapped twice. Pause. Twice more. Pause. Twice more.

"Who is it?" came a quite response from the other side of the door.

"Fred, open the bloody door already, yeah?" Harry snarked.

The single twin opened the door and ushered Harry inside. Of course, Harry's quick rush into that classroom instead of going to breakfast was hardly unnoticed by a certain other 4th year with too much time on his hands. That certain someone took to a shadowed alcove (Circe knew that castle had plenty of them to spare) as he heard another person approaching from the other end of the hall. Moments later the missing twin approached the same door Harry went in and knocked three times, paused, knocked three times again at which point Harry jerked the door open and said, "Just get in here already."

Silently (or as silent as a 15-year old clod could be), the 4th year spying on this activity rushed to the door and put his ear close in order to hear anything.

Inside the usually unused classroom, George put down a library book, loudly, on a table.

"Did you find it?" Harry's voice said.

"Aye, little champion. We found it just like we said we would. This is a ritual to help you come into your full potential. We've been researching it for some time now. This should really help you in the tournament. You can't help but win with this in place."

The listener had heard enough and slammed his weight into the door to open it. It wasn't locked at all so his effort resulted in the door bursting open, hitting the wall it was attached to, and then bouncing back to whack him in the nose. Holding his now-bruised nose, Ron pushed the door open a little more carefully while looking furiously at his two older brothers and Potter.

"I can't believe it!" exclaimed Ron in a snarl. "My own brothers wanting to help Potter achieve even more greatness! What is it? More joke products? A portable pond or something? Isn't it enough that Potter has all the good things happen to him already?"

"Good things?" Harry nearly choked out.

"Yeah," Ron jumped on an opening. "Who got to be on the Quidditch team as a 1st year? Who got to learn how to cast a patronus as a 3rd year? Who got to live in Diagon Alley for a month before school?"

Harry was stunned, but quickly recovered and would have needed real stunning if it hadn't been for his inclusion in the plan. Nay, the cunning plan.

"So I'm calling upon family honor from you two. I want you to help me realize my potential with this ritual, whatever it is."

There was some initial hesitation from George and Fred, each looking at one another, then at Harry, and then back at Ron. Fred of course tried to talk him out of it, but Ron wasn't letting it go. Like a pit bull he was. This went on for several minutes until…

"Fine, Ron, you get the ritual," Fred waved his arms in defeat.

"It's settled then," George chimed in. "You are going to get a proper wizarding name, and all the power and recognition that comes with it."

"A wizarding name? That's it?"

"Don't scoff, little brother. Names have power. You don't think our Headmaster was born with all those names do you? He gained them through this ritual. And became a more powerful wizard as a result."

"Well… alright!" Ron beamed. "So give me the name of Gandalf or Darkrune or something."

"No can do, youngest Weasley brother," Fred replied. "The name isn't something you choose. It chooses you."

"Like a wand?"

"Exactly so," George beamed that his younger brother was getting it.

Ron stood taller. "Right. So then how do I get a name to choose me?"

Fred replied, "Well, we need to have a wizarding ceremony. I'm thinking in the Great Hall after the evening meal. That way we can have your wizarding potential recognized by one and all."

"What kind of ceremony? I'm not stripping down to dance around a fire or anything." Quieter, "Not like last time that is," he finished with a sour expression.

"Not to worry, Ron. Your clothes will stay on," George added. "From what we read, several wizards form a circle around you. You stand in a circle and they walk around you giving you letters for a new name. Once done, you then have a proper wizarding name."

"That's it?" Ron arched an eyebrow.

"That's it. We were going to do it for Harry here, but family honor comes first. Sorry, Harry," Fred apologized.

"Yeah, I understand guys. Family honor comes first. Do you need any help from me on this?" Harry volunteered.

George snapped his fingers as a thought struck. "Actually, yes. We need a third wizard to add their power to the name."

Harry nodded. "Okay. I'll help."

"You'd do that for me, Harry?" Ron questioned, expected hope in his voice.

"You bet, Ron."

 **-o0o-**

Ron went around the castle the rest of the day with a dazed smile on his face. He was going to get a true wizarding name! This day couldn't get any better.

As it happened, Albus Dumbledore who hardly ever ate with the students outside of special events, was a no-show for dinner yet again, as were the other two headmasters of the visiting schools. Harry later found out that the ancient Headmaster was deep in discussion with the other headmasters. Harry suspected the ancient Headmaster was really up to his elbows in pudding while discussing the rest of the puddings for the remainder of the year with the other Headmasters. Harry had noticed the other night that the Durmy-kids didn't eat sweets after dinner.

As the meal wound down and students were starting to head back to their common rooms, Harry, George and Fred moved to the big doors in an attempt to get the attention of everyone still in the cafeteria… er, the Great Hall. Students still talking to one another and not paying attention to the twin terrors, Fred grabbed a mug off the table along with a knife and started clanging the mug with the knife in a vain attempt to get everyone to hush up. It didn't work.

George was used to the cold shoulder from classmates, but outright dismissal? That just wouldn't do. In a huff, he grabbed the mug from Fred and threw it on the floor, shattering it and causing a small eep of an expression from a nearby first year.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Students and faculty! Wizards and Witches! Your attention please!" Fred bellowed.

A few seconds later the Hall was quiet and George began his spiel. "Greetings one and all. Recently one of the Lions from our den was named a Champion…"

A round of boo's accompanied this – mainly from the Hufflepuff table.

"Yes, yes, boo later," George returned. "In any event, this tournament, while a spectacle and a delight for the viewers, is quite dangerous for the participants. This is why my brother and I researched and found an old ritual to help young Harry here not only survive this contest, but also to win it!"

Another round of boo's.

"Yes, yes, get your boos out now," Fred waved them to bring it on then motioned for them to stop. "Unfortunately for Harry, however, family honor is now at stake. And as such, Harry will not have this ritual performed at his behest. Instead, our younger brother Ron will be the one who receives all the power and responsibility of this ritual."

"Get to the bloody point already," Cho snarled. "What's the ritual you keep going on about? Something to get him to strip down and dance around a bonfire?"

"Not even close, Miss Chang," George returned neutrally. "This ritual is to enact the ancient wizarding naming ceremony. The ceremony will be giving our brother Ron a true wizarding name that will enhance his stature, his notoriety, and define the power he wields. Everyone is welcome to stay and watch this ceremony."

As George, Fred, and Harry went to the front of the Hall, and drew a circle on the floor for Ron to stand in, Professor Snape, who normally scowled at anything to do with the twin terrors or the Gryffindor Golden Child in general, allowed everything to go on without a scowl in sight, actually interested in what was going to happen.

Minutes later, Ron was motioned to come forward and stand in the circle. Fred, Harry and George put on their wizarding hats and with wands in hand (so to speak), they started walking around the circle. Ron stood in the middle of the circle with his eyes closed, his chin arched with an air of self-importance.

The three outside the circle took a step in unison. Then paused for a second and then the next step. Again and again and again. As they went around the circle, one spoke and finished before the other started.

"Ron," Fred started. "I give you the letter E for the entertaining things you have done in your life. Chess is one of those things. You have the ability to entertain those around you, which is more than others have ever done. This letter is yours."

A few more steps around and then Harry said, "Ron, I give you the letter O to represent the cries of witches and wizards you will meet in time to come. They will say "Oh no! It's him!" while basking in your presence, some furious that they did not help you achieve your status. Others happy to be around you. This letter is yours."

A few more steps around at which point George started, "Ron, I give you the letter M to represent the masses that will know your true wizarding status. They will recognize you and your ability from now to the end of time. This letter is yours."

A few more steps around and then the three started to chant. "Zimba-zoomba, umminy-humminy-zipla-do." They stopped suddenly, raised their wands with sparks now coming out. All three then nodded and said in unison, "So mote it be." A flash sparked in the Hall.

Ron opened his eyes after the flash.

"So how do you feel?" Fred asked his younger brother.

"Not sure. Still the same I reckon."

George nodded. "Understandable. Now we need to announce your name to everyone here."

Ron scrunched his eyebrows together in thought. "Isn't my wizard name Eee-yo-em? That's kind of hard to say. Couldn't we just make it shorter like Caligula or Benedict Arnold or Johnson or somethin'?"

Hermione whispered to Harry, "That's shortening the name?"

Harry nodded back to his best friend, "With his reasoning, don't even bother to ask."

"No," Fred answered. "The letters are given in reverse power with the strongest one at the end. The E-O-M letters are backwards. It's MOE. You don't need any other names."

"So I'm now the Wizard Moe?"

"Not totally. You see it's a conjunction name. New name plus old name," George straightened out.

"So… Moe Weasley?"

"Not quite. It works with first names," Harry used small words with his other friend.

"So, Moe… Ron?"

"Yes!" George exclaimed. "I can feel the power now! Can't you guys feel it?"

"Absolutely," Harry replied.

"Astounding," Hermione muttered as she watched her ginger friend soak up the adoration.

"Witches and Wizards, I introduce to you the newly anointed Wizard Moe-Ron!" Fred announced with a flourish and a bow to the younger Weasley.

Cheering started slow but picked up steam. Even Snape clapped for it, which, let me tell you, really surprised the more traditional Slytherin pure bloods (especially those with about the same mental prowess of one newly named Moe-Ron).

"Way to go, Wizard Moe-Ron!" cheered on a sixth-year from Hufflepuff.

"Couldn't have happened to nicer fellah, Wizard Moe-Ron!" This came from a second year Ravenclaw.

"Three cheers for Wizard Moe-Ron! Hip, hip, huzzah!"

"I'll make sure to take your class notes from now on, Wizard Moe-Ron."

"Er, thanks, Neville."

"Hip, hip, huzzah!"

"No problem, Wizard Moe-Ron. Do you like red or blue crayon color?"

"Hip, hip, huzzah!"

"Uh, blue I guess. No! Red. Definitely."

"Ok, Wizard Moe-Ron."

"Wait. Um, blue is really a nice color…"

"That it is. Tell you what, why don't I swap colors so you get both?"

"Brilliant!"

As the students all rose to their feet to cheer and clap for the newly named Wizard Moe-Ron, and while the red-haired 4th year Wizard Moe-Ron drank up all the adoration of his fans that had finally recognized his greatness, another 4th year student in blond (ish) hair bonked his head against the meal table over and over not so much in an aversion to the cheering and clapping for the Wizard Moe-Ron, but for the simple fact that he never thought of doing that himself.

 **-o0o-**

Later that evening in Dumbledore's office, a recap of the night's event was taking place. Albus Dumbledore and all the names and titles that came after that was trying not to let what was starting to become a migraine cloud his judgment.

"So let me ask you this question, Severus. After young Mr. Potter and Misters Weasley finished bestowing a true wizarding name upon younger Mr. Weasley, and after the rest of the students cheered for the young Mr. Weasley…"

"Plus slapped him on the back and a few even asked the kitchen elves to bring Mr. Weasley a sippy-cup," Severus supplied, wanting to impress upon the headmaster how the rest of the students were looking at this wizarding name.

"...and Mr. Weasley was brought a sippy-cup of some beverage," the Headmaster added. He took a long breath. Exhaling, he queried, "I hope you then took appropriate action?"

"Of course, Headmaster," Severus rejoined solemnly. "I awarded Wizard Moe-Ron five points while not docking points from the three instigators. I call it a win-win situation."

Albus stared at the younger potions master for a few seconds, trying to understand everything a little better. Finally, "You do realize that by giving Mr. Weasley points, you effectively gave the school permission to use his new name."

Severus sat up straighter in his chair. "Of course, Headmaster. The Wizard Moe-Ron really didn't seem bothered by it. And neither am I. Will that be all?"

Albus rubbed the bridge of his nose between his white eyebrows, absently shoo-ing his Potions Master out the door. Some days it didn't pay to schmooze with other headmasters.

But what Albus didn't know was where Messer's Weasley had found out about the true wizarding naming ritual. Albus thought he had been able to extinguish all mention of that ritual. After all, too many names could lead to both good and bad situations.

 **-o0o-**

Reviews are always appreciated. Thank you for reading. And here's a thumbs-up to you, Moe Howard! Still enjoying your work all these years later.

Note: Moe Howard is the Moe from The 3 Stooges fame (Moe, Larry, & Curly). Born in 1897, he died in 1975. His creativity is still being broadcast to this day.


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